Telling Men I Love Them: One Change That Opened My World 2026

Expressing love to the men in my life was a change that initially terrified me but ultimately transformed my relationships. Until my thirties, I had never told my brothers or my dad that I loved them. I had never told my friends, whom I love, that I loved them—not in person, at least, and certainly not sober.

I had no problem expressing love to women: my partner, cousins, a mate I sort of liked, the neighbour’s cat. “Love you, Mum,” I’d say, waving goodbye. “And see you later, Dad.” The barrier to intimacy between brothers, male friends, fathers and sons felt natural, a fact of life. It seemed to be a trait of modern men, one that I’d never betray.

How Reading About Masculinity Sparked a Change

Then, in 2023, I made the mistake of reading books on masculinity. It started with JJ Bola, Ivan Jablonka, Rebecca Solnit and RW Connell, then I got carried away with Simone de Beauvoir, Judith Butler and Audre Lorde. But one book performed a small act of sorcery: it made me question my life.

The Will to Change by bell hooks felt revolutionary, full of generosity towards men, particularly tough men or men who performed toughness. It spoke of the need for us to break barriers and practise intimacy. “It is not true that men are unwilling to change,” hooks writes. “It is true that many men are afraid to change.”

So I decided to change. It might seem like a small change, but to me it felt terrifying: I’d start telling the men I love that I loved them. I started as soon as I’d finished the book. I felt so uncomfortable on the first few attempts that it activated my fight-or-flight response.

Why Telling Men You Love Them Is So Hard

For many men, the difficulty in expressing love to other men stems from societal norms that equate masculinity with emotional stoicism. From a young age, boys are often taught to suppress vulnerability and avoid displays of affection that might be perceived as weakness.

This conditioning creates a barrier to intimacy that feels natural, even inevitable. It’s not that men don’t feel love for each other; it’s that they lack the vocabulary and practice to express it. As bell hooks notes, men are often afraid to change because they fear losing their identity or social standing.

But the cost of this fear is high: superficial relationships, loneliness, and a lack of deep connection. By avoiding intimacy, men miss out on the support and closeness that can enrich their lives.

The First Steps: Discomfort and Awkwardness

My first attempts were clumsy and uncomfortable. I remember telling my brother “Love you” as he left the room, and he paused, looked back, and said, “Are you okay?” It was awkward, but he didn’t recoil. Instead, he seemed curious.

With my dad, it was even harder. We had never said those words, and I wasn’t sure how he’d react. But I persisted, and slowly, the awkwardness began to fade. Each time I said it, it became a little easier, and the responses became warmer.

The key was to start small and be consistent. I didn’t make a grand announcement; I just started weaving “Love you” into everyday goodbyes and phone calls. Over time, it felt less like a declaration and more like a natural part of our interactions.

How Relationships Transformed

The change in my relationships was profound. My brothers and I began to talk more openly about our lives, our struggles, and our feelings. The intimacy we developed spilled over into other areas, making us more supportive of each other.

With my friends, the shift was equally significant. Saying “Love you” to a mate after a deep conversation or a fun night out became normal. It created a culture of openness that allowed us to be more honest and vulnerable with each other.

Even my dad, who had always been reserved, started to say “Love you” back. It was a small victory, but it signaled a new level of closeness in our relationship.

Why This Matters for All Men

The transformation I experienced is not unique. Many men are discovering the power of expressing love and breaking free from traditional masculine norms. This shift has implications for mental health, relationships, and society as a whole.

Research shows that men who have close friendships and express emotions openly are happier and healthier. By embracing intimacy, men can combat loneliness and build stronger support networks.

Moreover, challenging the stigma around male affection can help dismantle harmful stereotypes and create a more inclusive society. It’s not about rejecting masculinity; it’s about expanding what it means to be a man.

Practical Tips for Telling Men You Love Them

If you’re considering expressing love to the men in your life, here are some practical tips based on my experience.

• Start small: Begin with a simple “Love you” at the end of a phone call or when saying goodbye.
• Be consistent: The more you say it, the more natural it becomes for both of you.
• Don’t expect immediate reciprocation: Give the other person time to process and respond in their own way.
• Use written words: If in-person feels too daunting, try a text or a note.
• Be genuine: Say it because you mean it, not because you feel you should.

What to Watch Next

As more men embrace emotional openness, we can expect to see a cultural shift in how masculinity is defined. Books like The Will to Change and conversations like this one are just the beginning.

If you’re interested in exploring masculinity further, consider reading works by bell hooks, JJ Bola, and others. And if you’re ready to take the leap, start telling the men you love that you love them. It might just change your world. The background to this story is set out in Masculinity in 39 Iconic Photos: How Male Images Evolved. A related thread runs through Redditor Asks If They Are Rude For Telling Another Kid’s Mum To Mind Her Own Business.

For those who find social media adds pressure to maintain a certain image, consider deleting Instagram for a private life. It’s another change that can lead to greater authenticity. Earlier coverage in Mother-in-Law Gave Daughter-in-Law’s Cat Away Without Telling While She Was In Another City With Her Husband shows how the argument developed. A closer look at the same subject appears in AI Chatbots: The Intimacy Economy and Healthy Relationships.

Meanwhile, in the world of politics, the UK Budget leaks have raised questions about Healey’s military-style secrecy. It’s a reminder that transparency matters in all areas of life. Anyone following the wider picture can start with Sexual Abuse Survivor: Relearning Healthy Sex and Intimacy. The same theme surfaces in Carers and Sex: How We Balance Caregiving and Intimacy, which takes a different angle.